We know sunshine isn't better for everyone, because millions of you are praying for rain, but until Judgement Day the forecaster will equate sun with good and rain with bad, so you'll have to lump it." What they say"Further down in Lincolnshire and East Anglia..."What they mean"People from Lincolnshire were writing in saying they weren't mentioned, until we realised they don't know where the hell they are – they don't admit to being in East Anglia or the East Midlands or anywhere, so we decided to lean over backwards and name this one county." What they say"In the south-west..."What they mean"We never define the south-west. We never, for instance, mention Wiltshire, because although nobody knows if Wiltshire is in the south-west or not, people in Wiltshire never write in to complain like Lincolnshire people do." What they say"Yesterday's pattern is changing..."What they mean"Yesterday we said it would be wet It was warm and dry. But we never look back – that would admit we got it wrong And we always forecast worse weather than it really will be. Then people are relieved if it's not that bad." What they say"Early mist patches"What they mean"You won't see any early mist. Mist patches always happen elsewhere." What they say"Patchy fog."What they meanDitto.
What they say"East-facing coasts."What they mean"There are no east-facing coasts in Britain Except on the east coast, where they all face east. Meaningless phrase." What they say"It will feel colder than it really is."What they mean"There's another!" What they say"Sunshine and showers."What they mean"Covers everything. You can't go very wrong with sunshine and showers." What they say"Clouds spilling from the west."What they mean"Clouds don't spill, of course, unless you watch speeded-up footage as we do, when they go very fast and do sort of spill – wow, there goes another!"What they say"Typically, 17 degrees in Bristol."What they mean"Why Bristol? Because we mentioned Cardiff yesterday Could have been Swindon. That's the way we weather people are – easy come, easy go." For full glossary, send an SAE and a blank signed cheque More from Miles Kington.
Four and a half weeks after the abolition of betting tax for punters, the inside of the average betting shop does not, in truth, look any more like Shangri-La than on 5 October, the last time we all had to sacrifice that irritating nine per cent. Many shops still seem to have more staff than punters, and on a normal weekday the obligatory pair of fruit machines spend hour after hour flashing at thin air. You wonder how some shops turn over enough money to keep the cashier in fags. Four and a half weeks after the abolition of betting tax for punters, the inside of the average betting shop does not, in truth, look any more like Shangri-La than on 5 October, the last time we all had to sacrifice that irritating nine per cent. Many shops still seem to have more staff than punters, and on a normal weekday the obligatory pair of fruit machines spend hour after hour flashing at thin air. You wonder how some shops turn over enough money to keep the cashier in fags. But appearances, it seems, can deceive. Britain's major bookmakers, though they are shy about putting a figure on it, seem confident that their turnover has increased significantly since tax was abolished, just as they all predicted it would.
